I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
