She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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