my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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