just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
