ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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