Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
