apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
