Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
