I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
