What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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