I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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