Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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