why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
