I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
