I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
