Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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