Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
