I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
