OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
