You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
