Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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