Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
