I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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