if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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