I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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