Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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