Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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