Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
