woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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