I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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