Just fell off a train. Bad.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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