Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
