This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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