i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
