if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
