Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
