She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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