I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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