Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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