I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
