I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
