Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
