I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
