were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What a dumb baby whore.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
