What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
