you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
