I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
