It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
