where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
