i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
