oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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