They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
