i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
