"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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